Sunday, May 15, 2011

Getting Past Your Past.

Right now we are in a series called "Getting Past Your Past" at church. It has re-awakened alot of things I have had buried in my heart. Here recently at work I have been beginning to know/learn about my co-workers. As they are getting to know me I have told them my crazy history in life for such a young woman. As I look back on these things I feel sick. I have feelings of fondness and loathing over my time with him. How is this possible? I guess with all that is going on in my life I look back at my time with him as a moment of independence. I had my own apartment and I felt needed (even if it was just to do laundry, clean house, cook, and go to work) I miss feeling so necessary. I know it sounds nuts. I also fear I will never allow myself to fully feel again for another man the way I felt for him. It will be a year next month since it was officially over. I guess I just feel like a fool for still hurting from it all. I have noticed with serious breakups and divorces it seems as though one moves on so swiftly its insane while the other never fully recovers. A walking joke trying to smile and act as if they are okay while on the inside they have built a brick wall with barbed wire and electrical currents protecting the contents of their small piece of a heart they have left. I forgave him some time ago and he has forgiven me but that being said, why can't I move on? How do I backtrack and pick up the pieces of my heart I have lost along the way to make it full again? I know I'm made whole and complete in Christ. I just wish I wouldn't have gave such a big portion to him...that's what happens though whenever you make someone else the reason you live rather than God himself. I'm just having an off night reminiscing about things I have no control over. I've got to get past my past. I'm working on it so hard!

1 comment:

  1. Hun, read through Isaiah 61. I've been struggling with dealing with my past lately as well. Verse 4 says "And they shall rebuild the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former desolations and renew the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations." God desires to "bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound. (Is 61:1.
    God desires to heal our wounds and hemorrhaging hearts... expose yourself to your loving Father. He knows our hearts so well and cares for them tenderly. Remember the Gospel, friend. It is so freeing. :)

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