Getting Past Your Past.

Right now we are in a series called "Getting Past Your Past" at church. It has re-awakened alot of things I have had buried in my heart. Here recently at work I have been beginning to know/learn about my co-workers. As they are getting to know me I have told them my crazy history in life for such a young woman. As I look back on these things I feel sick. I have feelings of fondness and loathing over my time with him. How is this possible? I guess with all that is going on in my life I look back at my time with him as a moment of independence. I had my own apartment and I felt needed (even if it was just to do laundry, clean house, cook, and go to work) I miss feeling so necessary. I know it sounds nuts. I also fear I will never allow myself to fully feel again for another man the way I felt for him. It will be a year next month since it was officially over. I guess I just feel like a fool for still hurting from it all. I have noticed with serious breakups and divorces it seems as though one moves on so swiftly its insane while the other never fully recovers. A walking joke trying to smile and act as if they are okay while on the inside they have built a brick wall with barbed wire and electrical currents protecting the contents of their small piece of a heart they have left. I forgave him some time ago and he has forgiven me but that being said, why can't I move on? How do I backtrack and pick up the pieces of my heart I have lost along the way to make it full again? I know I'm made whole and complete in Christ. I just wish I wouldn't have gave such a big portion to him...that's what happens though whenever you make someone else the reason you live rather than God himself. I'm just having an off night reminiscing about things I have no control over. I've got to get past my past. I'm working on it so hard!