Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Blessed Gift Of Relaxation: Priceless

As of lately I must call it out! I have indeed been a bit of a pessimist, as I am sure my blog has reflected this. For that fact I apologize, thank you for being a faithful reader even through the trials...Today was an exceptionally grand day and when you have such an incredible day in the middle of such a challenging time in life it can be a game changer. That being said let me tell you about my game changing day!

This morning I woke up less than enthused to rise and go listen to my pastor explain the dangers of debt; as you all know I am a college kid digging myself in that hole semester by semester especially by only working part time. But this series has really been digging deep into my soul, convicting me to strive harder, keep working full time and endure full time school as well, for it is all only for a season right? However you know how conviction works right? It is that consistent spiritual beckoning to change. If you know anything about me you know I don't do well with change. I once yearned for change in every way possible, but now I enjoy a steady/normal/non-changing environment and attitude. This morning I also knew my usual "Sunday Crowd" would not be at church so this fact also made my pillow fortress/bed seem all the more appealing. Somehow I managed to scramble around, throw on some well-worn jeans, and a cliche LifeChurch.Tv tee and head out the door. But not before slinging a cup coffee around while brushing my hair back into a disheveled excuse for a pony-tail and calling it "decent." Upon arrival I greeted a few friends and made my way to a seat near my 2 youth girls that consistently come to the 11:30 with their mother, it ended up being quite a nice change to worship with them on a Sunday rather than only the usual Wednesday evening.

After a compelling service I decided what my next step would be. Cut up and pay off my credit card, which is a huge step for me! Continue working a full time job to eliminate college debt, and pay off my car. I know these changes I have to make will be extreme but God will bless me through this I am certain...this brings me to the blessings. Here is what I experienced today.

1. Clarity on financial perspective: It is time to get serious and clean house.

2. An amazing sushi lunch, hour long massage, and Starbucks: From a friend who I have been doing her hair and son's hair for a hot minute. This was a gift I never ever even dreamed of receiving, but through blessing her with my talents she was able to bless me back today with the priceless gift of relaxation. I don't think she truly understands what a blessing she bestowed upon me today! We also stopped in a store called Lush in Penn Square Mall where we each splurged on beauty products. (It was my last splurge my final hurrah if you will of spending) I purchased some face-wash, face-mask, and a bath bomb...

3. A phenomenal life-group session: It was just nice! The weather was wonderful so we sat underneath the shaded trees in our favorite couple's backyard relating on the different stages of life we are currently in. Being transparent in our struggles and weaknesses.

4. Upon arriving home I decided it had been such a relaxing day I needed to end it with a bang. So I grabbed my bath bomb and headed for the tub! I have never purchased any sort of fancy bath bomb so I was a bit nervous, but within seconds of dropping the giant purple ball in my tub I was sold! It spun all around shooting out colors of first pink then blue traveling throughout my entire tub yet somehow never once hitting me! In the end my bathwater turned a deep purple with glitter shimmering throughout; hence the name of this bomb "Twilight" - the glitter shines as if it were stars in a dark sky. I felt like a kid again, finding entertainment within a bath accessory.

5. I got out of the tub feeling a little sad I had to wash all my pretty glitter and purple water away, but as I was applying my lotion I realized a little shimmer on leg...then I realized my whole body was still covered in tiny glitter "stars." This made my night, it truly is the little things in life. I am currently shining like a star literally.

6. This day renewed my hope, my spirit...it has given me the courage to rise another day at 5:00 AM and keep on at this battle known as life. Not to say I didn't have it in me to "live another day." I just have been feeling a bit discouraged, but today reminded me that though I might be beat down I am not broken. I am still alive and breathing and there is joy in my soul. It is well with my soul...and as for tonight well I am a glittery princess.

**Also I found a new bottle of tide on my bookshelf that my mom bought me while I was out seriously that stuff is expensive so that was a really cool blessing as well!**

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Confessions in a Glass of Wine...

Setting the scene: I sit in my bed zebra print sheets disheveled around me, a faint song from a sophomore year "no name" band providing perfect background noise...(Taking Back Sunday to those of you who actually appreciate my narrative musical time machine), the soft glow of lamp-light cascading upon my silhouette and the laptop resting ever so gingerly upon my worn jeans. A glass of "Merlin" wine carefully placed upon a "Nutty Brunette" coaster I once took as a souvenir from a BJ's restaurant poised perfectly upon my night-stand. Now that you can visualize my writing atmosphere here is the true narrative of a story:

Amazing how when it rains it pours! But the beauty in the hail storm pelting down all around you is knowing eventually it has to end. Whether the hail balls are golf ball size or soft ball size they are "hail size" none-the-less and that crap hurts! I am still in the middle of my storm, but I have a feeling the hail is going to end soon. Who knows how much damage I will have to claim on insurance in the end; but it is okay. I am sure my insurance company will understand and cut me a sweet check in "wisdom." I read something here recently that pierced like a knife into my soul, James Macdonald writes in his book When Life is Hard "You're just trying to get by when Satan will come in and make a rush on you. You can find yourself stumbling and falling into thought patterns and action patterns that you thought were gone forever!" This has been my current battle daily; fighting the battles I thought were long gone from my heart, spirit, my very being. But that is what I have learned through this season so far is that during a "real hardship you are a target." Satan often times sees God's children going through a hardship caused by God to refine them and tries to twist it into something evil. He sees that every bit of your strength, resources, and energy are all going into surviving (Ref: James Macdonald.)

Currently that is where I am...people ask me how I am and I simply say I am surviving. "I am seeking God and I am surviving." It sounds pathetic and cheesy and I guess in a way it kind of is, but it is an honest answer at best. To be honest I am just a little irritated that not 1 but 2 people previously dear to me have managed to leave me alone picking up the pieces and wondering the infamous question of WHY? One may never know the real answer, but maybe that is the beauty of it. Could I handle the real honest answers of why? I don't know, but I do believe there is a reason I do not know why. I refuse to believe it is just coincidence, I believe there is protection of my heart in the grey areas of not knowing. My next step is accepting the events that have led up to this point and learning what I am expected to learn and move on. I feel stuck right now and very much a joke for not being able to just be like Jay Z and "Move onto the next one." Oh well. Time tells a story of healing and wisdom in each day that passes by so I will place my trust in this fact: God is good and he will restore my heart and being, until then I will faithfully seek him relentlessly.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I should be studying...or be asleep.

But I have a list of things swirling around me in my mind so I figure I will tell the world about them in an attempt to clear my head before I go to bed.

1. I approved my private student loan on Saturday, but tomorrow is Thursday and they still have yet to disburse it.

2. I need to fill my gas tank up in the morning

3. I need to buy shampoo and conditioner tomorrow morning

4. I am technically to broke to do either of these things but they are essentials; thank God for parents.

5. I apparently owe some doctor's office $230 for some crappy ex-rays done on my left ankle back in February. I owe another doctor's office $60 for some biopsies of my stomach that proved useless. This is because my health insurance company stinks...well did stink. Seeing as now I am a part time employee and no longer have any. I also dug myself in a hole of $350 for 2 fillings and a crown before I lost my dental insurance. Debt stinks and I currently have a lot.

6. I am overwhelmed by school. The whole atmosphere, actual in class assignments, and participation...and lack of someone to spend my lunch break with has me feeling awkward and more socially out of place than ever before. In high school I was Miss. Knows Everyone. In college I am Ms. Knows no-one.

7. I should really be reading my Spark Notes over The Canterbury Tales right now, or doing a small sheet of homework due tomorrow for humanities, or my minuscule amount of homework for my general math for education course. *Note I am doing none of the above*

8. I am back to "non-relationship focus on school Meg"... I know you might think it is a lonely place to be and you are right for the first week it was rough, but God is good and so are my friends and family. They have and are continuing to help me understand that this is spiritual growth I am experiencing and not in vain. I am not alone and more often than not I am okay. Complacent with Jesus and myself kickin it.

9. I am currently reading "When Life is Hard" by James Macdonald. I feel there is no better time than the present to read such a book.

10. All of this to say I AM LETTING GO! There is already a whirl-wind of chaos surrounding me so I might as well be sucked into the matter. God is going to take care of me, this I know for certain. I must stop and trust him and stop trying to figure it all out. Stop trying to guess God's next move is like this life is one big "celestial game of chess" we are playing guessing which pawn he will put into position next. WHO KNOWS!? AND WHO CARES!? He is God and I am not. For I am simply clay in the Potter's hands. - Isaiah 64:8

My whirlwind...From what I see it is chaos, from God's view it is love.