The Blessed Gift Of Relaxation: Priceless

As of lately I must call it out! I have indeed been a bit of a pessimist, as I am sure my blog has reflected this. For that fact I apologize, thank you for being a faithful reader even through the trials...Today was an exceptionally grand day and when you have such an incredible day in the middle of such a challenging time in life it can be a game changer. That being said let me tell you about my game changing day!

This morning I woke up less than enthused to rise and go listen to my pastor explain the dangers of debt; as you all know I am a college kid digging myself in that hole semester by semester especially by only working part time. But this series has really been digging deep into my soul, convicting me to strive harder, keep working full time and endure full time school as well, for it is all only for a season right? However you know how conviction works right? It is that consistent spiritual beckoning to change. If you know anything about me you know I don't do well with change. I once yearned for change in every way possible, but now I enjoy a steady/normal/non-changing environment and attitude. This morning I also knew my usual "Sunday Crowd" would not be at church so this fact also made my pillow fortress/bed seem all the more appealing. Somehow I managed to scramble around, throw on some well-worn jeans, and a cliche LifeChurch.Tv tee and head out the door. But not before slinging a cup coffee around while brushing my hair back into a disheveled excuse for a pony-tail and calling it "decent." Upon arrival I greeted a few friends and made my way to a seat near my 2 youth girls that consistently come to the 11:30 with their mother, it ended up being quite a nice change to worship with them on a Sunday rather than only the usual Wednesday evening.

After a compelling service I decided what my next step would be. Cut up and pay off my credit card, which is a huge step for me! Continue working a full time job to eliminate college debt, and pay off my car. I know these changes I have to make will be extreme but God will bless me through this I am certain...this brings me to the blessings. Here is what I experienced today.

1. Clarity on financial perspective: It is time to get serious and clean house.

2. An amazing sushi lunch, hour long massage, and Starbucks: From a friend who I have been doing her hair and son's hair for a hot minute. This was a gift I never ever even dreamed of receiving, but through blessing her with my talents she was able to bless me back today with the priceless gift of relaxation. I don't think she truly understands what a blessing she bestowed upon me today! We also stopped in a store called Lush in Penn Square Mall where we each splurged on beauty products. (It was my last splurge my final hurrah if you will of spending) I purchased some face-wash, face-mask, and a bath bomb...

3. A phenomenal life-group session: It was just nice! The weather was wonderful so we sat underneath the shaded trees in our favorite couple's backyard relating on the different stages of life we are currently in. Being transparent in our struggles and weaknesses.

4. Upon arriving home I decided it had been such a relaxing day I needed to end it with a bang. So I grabbed my bath bomb and headed for the tub! I have never purchased any sort of fancy bath bomb so I was a bit nervous, but within seconds of dropping the giant purple ball in my tub I was sold! It spun all around shooting out colors of first pink then blue traveling throughout my entire tub yet somehow never once hitting me! In the end my bathwater turned a deep purple with glitter shimmering throughout; hence the name of this bomb "Twilight" - the glitter shines as if it were stars in a dark sky. I felt like a kid again, finding entertainment within a bath accessory.

5. I got out of the tub feeling a little sad I had to wash all my pretty glitter and purple water away, but as I was applying my lotion I realized a little shimmer on leg...then I realized my whole body was still covered in tiny glitter "stars." This made my night, it truly is the little things in life. I am currently shining like a star literally.

6. This day renewed my hope, my spirit...it has given me the courage to rise another day at 5:00 AM and keep on at this battle known as life. Not to say I didn't have it in me to "live another day." I just have been feeling a bit discouraged, but today reminded me that though I might be beat down I am not broken. I am still alive and breathing and there is joy in my soul. It is well with my soul...and as for tonight well I am a glittery princess.

**Also I found a new bottle of tide on my bookshelf that my mom bought me while I was out seriously that stuff is expensive so that was a really cool blessing as well!**

Confessions in a Glass of Wine...

Setting the scene: I sit in my bed zebra print sheets disheveled around me, a faint song from a sophomore year "no name" band providing perfect background noise...(Taking Back Sunday to those of you who actually appreciate my narrative musical time machine), the soft glow of lamp-light cascading upon my silhouette and the laptop resting ever so gingerly upon my worn jeans. A glass of "Merlin" wine carefully placed upon a "Nutty Brunette" coaster I once took as a souvenir from a BJ's restaurant poised perfectly upon my night-stand. Now that you can visualize my writing atmosphere here is the true narrative of a story:

Amazing how when it rains it pours! But the beauty in the hail storm pelting down all around you is knowing eventually it has to end. Whether the hail balls are golf ball size or soft ball size they are "hail size" none-the-less and that crap hurts! I am still in the middle of my storm, but I have a feeling the hail is going to end soon. Who knows how much damage I will have to claim on insurance in the end; but it is okay. I am sure my insurance company will understand and cut me a sweet check in "wisdom." I read something here recently that pierced like a knife into my soul, James Macdonald writes in his book When Life is Hard "You're just trying to get by when Satan will come in and make a rush on you. You can find yourself stumbling and falling into thought patterns and action patterns that you thought were gone forever!" This has been my current battle daily; fighting the battles I thought were long gone from my heart, spirit, my very being. But that is what I have learned through this season so far is that during a "real hardship you are a target." Satan often times sees God's children going through a hardship caused by God to refine them and tries to twist it into something evil. He sees that every bit of your strength, resources, and energy are all going into surviving (Ref: James Macdonald.)

Currently that is where I am...people ask me how I am and I simply say I am surviving. "I am seeking God and I am surviving." It sounds pathetic and cheesy and I guess in a way it kind of is, but it is an honest answer at best. To be honest I am just a little irritated that not 1 but 2 people previously dear to me have managed to leave me alone picking up the pieces and wondering the infamous question of WHY? One may never know the real answer, but maybe that is the beauty of it. Could I handle the real honest answers of why? I don't know, but I do believe there is a reason I do not know why. I refuse to believe it is just coincidence, I believe there is protection of my heart in the grey areas of not knowing. My next step is accepting the events that have led up to this point and learning what I am expected to learn and move on. I feel stuck right now and very much a joke for not being able to just be like Jay Z and "Move onto the next one." Oh well. Time tells a story of healing and wisdom in each day that passes by so I will place my trust in this fact: God is good and he will restore my heart and being, until then I will faithfully seek him relentlessly.

I should be studying...or be asleep.

But I have a list of things swirling around me in my mind so I figure I will tell the world about them in an attempt to clear my head before I go to bed.

1. I approved my private student loan on Saturday, but tomorrow is Thursday and they still have yet to disburse it.

2. I need to fill my gas tank up in the morning

3. I need to buy shampoo and conditioner tomorrow morning

4. I am technically to broke to do either of these things but they are essentials; thank God for parents.

5. I apparently owe some doctor's office $230 for some crappy ex-rays done on my left ankle back in February. I owe another doctor's office $60 for some biopsies of my stomach that proved useless. This is because my health insurance company stinks...well did stink. Seeing as now I am a part time employee and no longer have any. I also dug myself in a hole of $350 for 2 fillings and a crown before I lost my dental insurance. Debt stinks and I currently have a lot.

6. I am overwhelmed by school. The whole atmosphere, actual in class assignments, and participation...and lack of someone to spend my lunch break with has me feeling awkward and more socially out of place than ever before. In high school I was Miss. Knows Everyone. In college I am Ms. Knows no-one.

7. I should really be reading my Spark Notes over The Canterbury Tales right now, or doing a small sheet of homework due tomorrow for humanities, or my minuscule amount of homework for my general math for education course. *Note I am doing none of the above*

8. I am back to "non-relationship focus on school Meg"... I know you might think it is a lonely place to be and you are right for the first week it was rough, but God is good and so are my friends and family. They have and are continuing to help me understand that this is spiritual growth I am experiencing and not in vain. I am not alone and more often than not I am okay. Complacent with Jesus and myself kickin it.

9. I am currently reading "When Life is Hard" by James Macdonald. I feel there is no better time than the present to read such a book.

10. All of this to say I AM LETTING GO! There is already a whirl-wind of chaos surrounding me so I might as well be sucked into the matter. God is going to take care of me, this I know for certain. I must stop and trust him and stop trying to figure it all out. Stop trying to guess God's next move is like this life is one big "celestial game of chess" we are playing guessing which pawn he will put into position next. WHO KNOWS!? AND WHO CARES!? He is God and I am not. For I am simply clay in the Potter's hands. - Isaiah 64:8

My whirlwind...From what I see it is chaos, from God's view it is love.

Wisdom Whispers Softly...This Is My Reality

A fellow blogger once gave me some wise words that I have hardly put into practice, he once said "Meg don't ever delete anything you blogged, no regret. Just let it be don't worry about what others think." So I am. I refuse to erase the words I have spoken previously...but I must throw out the disclaimer I was wrong. On that note I feel it is time to move on and tell you about my current state of being. I am going to "Real College" for the first time ever at UCO. I go to classes, have made friends, and feel a bit younger. I am on major specific courses now and have no doubt I was born to be an English Teacher! But as for now I work part time but have been asked to start working full-time again spring semester or find a new job. I let my guard down and I refuse to build it back up due to crumby circumstances. I have learned I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that being said I need not worry of today or tomorrow; Jesus has a unique story for my life and one day will get to hear it told from his perspective. I have now finally lost a substantial amount of weight. I am almost to the "return home from Germany round 1 weight." Which is pretty big time, I hate how I have had to get down to this number with the most recent 4 lbs. but it is what it is. I am learning each trial in my world is an opportunity to see joy while most see sadness. I see each one as a challenge to rise up and do the right thing. It is cool, my mentor pointed out that I myself was learning wisdom just yesterday. This was by far the BEST compliment I could ever receive especially in light of the current situations within my world. I guess I am growing up, very bitter-sweet. I don't have much to say other than Life Still Goes On! ...Keeping my heels high and my standards higher. No regrets. Life is too short for such nonsense.

An Updated Favorite List! Just in Case you are Curious...

1. My favorite song of all time is probably "The Gambler" by Fun. it is a beautiful love story enclosed cleverly within a song. Go check it out, I also saw Fun. in concert this year; one of the best concerts I have been to yet.


2. Letters & Cards oh my goodness it is such a dead art of communication now days, but seriously I have a very special someone who sends me cards and letters regularly and it is pretty much the coolest thing ever, thank you USPS!


3. My favorite movie of all time is probably "Midnight in Paris" I just relate with it completely hard to explain, but it is pretty much a magical romantic comedy. Watch it.


4. I have successfully completed my first year of college in exactly 1 week.


5. Some people read different things for fun. I have realized I personally prefer the classics, or something of substance that I learn things from, spiritual readings, and of course the Bible. My co-worker made fun of me about this fact, but I just said man the Bible has some crazy stories in it! Daniel and the Lions Den, Noah's Ark, Jonah and the Whale...those are real crazy stories regardless. haha


6. My favorite coffee cup is an oversized "Chicago" cup I purchased from a Starbucks during one of my many trips home from Germany


7. I am learning to budget not that I am perfect at it, but at the age of 23 I think I am getting the concept.


8. I start work part-time in exactly one week from today


9. I have lost 25 pounds over the course of 9 months, it has not been easy and I still "ideally" still have 15 to go, but I have done it none the less!


10. I have opened my heart back up again. After 2 years of running around staying closed off and reserved, I know how to feel again...and it feels good.

WHEN THE PUBLIC DEMANDS A TITLE, BUT YOU REQUIRE TIME...

So there is this guy...yes. This is how the blog shall start, so deal with it or just stop reading now! Anyways I think he is one cool cat, I mean he thinks like me, he balances my craziness, and he treats me like a princess (I know this term is highly over-used but for real it is ridiculous...in a good way!) That being said we are not the "stereo-typical" 2012 relationship, actually we are technically in no-relationship at all at the moment. If you have read my blog since the beginning there is a particular post in which I describe my idea of romance based on 2 single books I read that rocked my world and perspective on dating and marriage. It is one of the first post back on March 8, 2011 titled "There is No Modern Romance." Check it out if ya didn't get the chance! Anyways, one thing I didn't write in this blog was the author's first kiss with his wife on his wedding day. To me that is probably the most old fashioned romantic idea ever and I TOTALLY DIG IT! That being said, I am inclined to want a specific pattern of romance to commence before getting married that could lead to such a phenomenal event, yet I had yet to meet anyone as crazy as myself to even consider such bold/crazy/extreme/modest ideas in romance. I had accepted that I would be alone for quite some time and I was okay with that challenge...I had a goal and that would be my next relationship "playing for keeps, for forever." (Enters this boy) then all of the sudden everyone wants a definition on our non-relationship that has only been about 3 months total. No one understands our logic of building a solid friendship as a basis of a relationship, the bottom line is in 2012 people don't wait they rush...to the feeling of someone near, the emotional, the physical, all of it so impatiently. My generation is indeed the microwave generation "I NEED IT RIGHT NOW! 5 MINS. OR LESS!" One day I want to have a wedding invitation that reads "Please join us for our first kiss." and have so much anticipation built up I can hardly stand it! Cheesy as it sounds those are my standards, and patience is just part of the process. After a lot of speculation I felt it was time to throw this out, I like a boy, he likes me, we are just different so even if you don't comprehend or understand why anyone would dream of such a thing you now know why there is no title for at least 3 more months. We are making sure we have a solid friendship to build off of and not base this whole thing off of lust and impatience, but on God and patient persistence. It is what it is.

Antagonists, Algebra, A's, and an Acceptance Letter....

This summer I decided to be an over-achiever, I took 9 hours of college consisting of Intermediate Algebra, Psychology, and Philosophy. Over the past 4 weeks I have pushed myself to the max, expecting nothing less than A's in all of my classes. Most of you all know I have always struggled with math (hence the reason I am in Intermediate math and not College Algebra) well this summer math course is quite frankly kicking my tail. I mean I have never struggled so much in a single class. Along with this struggle I am really fighting to make an A in my Psychology class, but I fear my teacher isn't a huge fan of me (which I feel is quite odd due to the fact that it is online...I mean how is that even possible right!?) anyways that being said I have several antagonists at the moment consisting of 1)Algebra 2)One specific Professor who shall remain nameless 3)My co-worker who also will remain nameless who overheard a conversation of mine about my trials and responded with "Well we should probably just get a noose and hang her with it to put her out of her misery." Yup that happened today...but instead reacting angrily I turned the other cheek, I just looked at this individual and asked "Really?" Then proceeded to help this individual out at the end of the day. God gave me grace, though my feelings were extremely hurt as I really have had quite a rough season this past month with a knee injury, stresses of school, and lack of sleep I had let the negativity set into my mind with no intention of doing so. But even so all I could think was "Do unto others..." So I did. Anyways long story short I had a series of unfortunate events happen throughout the day and accepted that things will get better in time (Aka when I have time to schedule a doctors appointment and when summer school is over.) The beauty of today however occurred when I got home I had on my bed an unopened package from the University of Central Oklahoma. I thought to myself "Welp here is my letter saying that they have rejected me until I have all my OSU-OKC summer college credits in place on my final transcript from there; since that is indeed what the transfer counselor had warned me of last Thursday. What a terribly perfect ending to this perfectly terrible day." Upon opening I was flabbergasted by the acceptance letter glaring back at me, the President made an exception and I was accepted! God threw me a curve ball with this one, it was the most surprising gift I have received from him in quite sometime! I am so glad that even on my worst of worst days he still blesses me even when I throw myself self-righteous pity parties. I am blessed. Even in a season of trials and endurance.