Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Confessions in a Glass of Wine...

Setting the scene: I sit in my bed zebra print sheets disheveled around me, a faint song from a sophomore year "no name" band providing perfect background noise...(Taking Back Sunday to those of you who actually appreciate my narrative musical time machine), the soft glow of lamp-light cascading upon my silhouette and the laptop resting ever so gingerly upon my worn jeans. A glass of "Merlin" wine carefully placed upon a "Nutty Brunette" coaster I once took as a souvenir from a BJ's restaurant poised perfectly upon my night-stand. Now that you can visualize my writing atmosphere here is the true narrative of a story:

Amazing how when it rains it pours! But the beauty in the hail storm pelting down all around you is knowing eventually it has to end. Whether the hail balls are golf ball size or soft ball size they are "hail size" none-the-less and that crap hurts! I am still in the middle of my storm, but I have a feeling the hail is going to end soon. Who knows how much damage I will have to claim on insurance in the end; but it is okay. I am sure my insurance company will understand and cut me a sweet check in "wisdom." I read something here recently that pierced like a knife into my soul, James Macdonald writes in his book When Life is Hard "You're just trying to get by when Satan will come in and make a rush on you. You can find yourself stumbling and falling into thought patterns and action patterns that you thought were gone forever!" This has been my current battle daily; fighting the battles I thought were long gone from my heart, spirit, my very being. But that is what I have learned through this season so far is that during a "real hardship you are a target." Satan often times sees God's children going through a hardship caused by God to refine them and tries to twist it into something evil. He sees that every bit of your strength, resources, and energy are all going into surviving (Ref: James Macdonald.)

Currently that is where I am...people ask me how I am and I simply say I am surviving. "I am seeking God and I am surviving." It sounds pathetic and cheesy and I guess in a way it kind of is, but it is an honest answer at best. To be honest I am just a little irritated that not 1 but 2 people previously dear to me have managed to leave me alone picking up the pieces and wondering the infamous question of WHY? One may never know the real answer, but maybe that is the beauty of it. Could I handle the real honest answers of why? I don't know, but I do believe there is a reason I do not know why. I refuse to believe it is just coincidence, I believe there is protection of my heart in the grey areas of not knowing. My next step is accepting the events that have led up to this point and learning what I am expected to learn and move on. I feel stuck right now and very much a joke for not being able to just be like Jay Z and "Move onto the next one." Oh well. Time tells a story of healing and wisdom in each day that passes by so I will place my trust in this fact: God is good and he will restore my heart and being, until then I will faithfully seek him relentlessly.

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