God's Grace is Sufficient. Even for a Sinner Like Me.

I've felt extremely uninspired. I have nothing even remotely interesting to write about other than the usual "oh woah is me." lines I have become so accustomed to proclaiming ...I can't stand whom I have become. Let me just tell you about it. I don't know how it happened but I drifted away. I feel it honestly hit once I moved out. Just recently I have missed God's ever presence in my life. I used to feel him like a best friend side by side throughout the day. Then life happened. Work happened. I changed. I used to pray prayers such as "God please let me be a light in my work environment, they need you." Now I pray something like this "God I'm so sorry I have failed as an example for you. I act exactly like the lost, saying and doing as I please with little remorse. I'm sorry I suck at representing you." I also used to tithe before I moved out. I looked forward to giving back to him and his kingdom. Now I have it fit into my budget, but hold onto it for fear that his promises won't hold true. That he won't provide. I am such a selfish joke right now. My faith lacks faith, how is that even possible? I want so badly to be the boldest Christ Follower around but am constantly falling down and messing up. I know we are all human. I just have a hard time grasping his everlasting grace. It is nothing I can earn yet I still have an internal struggle thinking I can. If I act just a little better maybe he will bless me with a better paycheck, a nice boy who loves him as much as me...I keep trying to earn my way. I know its not the right way. How do I change the thinking pattern though? I must grasp that he loves me even when things are not perfect. Things will never be perfect. There is beauty in the breakdown. That is what this is. This is the breakdown.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10