Going Out On The Town

So last night I got all dolled up to go out on the town with two of my girlfriends, recently I have made a commitment to myself to not get "hammered drunk" whenever I go out. But nonetheless I still got all dolled up for the occasion. We went out and had a blast we took a ton of photos and it was ooh so fun. I was uploading these pictures to facebook today and felt mildly convicted. Even though I wasn't drunk I still looked like I was out partying like a rock star. Then I got to thinking, God knows my heart, he knows my actions, and he knows my lifestyle...who do I have to prove my faith to? We are all called to be great examples, ambassadors for Christ, and I get that I really do...but is it my fault if some look at my pictures with eyes of a Pharisee refusing to believe that I am a good person and I was just out having fun with my friends, no drunkenness involved. I believe I am my worst critic. In my eyes I will never be skinny enough, do enough good works, or amount to the woman I have full potential to be. I am deeply working on this, I am speaking Psalms 139:14 to myself daily. I removed several of the photos in fear that some might look upon them and judge, wow that makeup is too bright, that dress is too short, that smile too big. But you know what God made me in his image, I am not perfect and I will not be able to please everyone with my actions. I just hope people can see the genuine change I am progressively moving towards in my journey with him. I want to be an outward reflection of the joy within me because I am made whole in him!!!!!!!!!!

9 Months Later...

I remembered I had a blog! On June 28, 2010 the divorce was finalized, that chapter of my life finally closed. This chapter though is a very important chapter which led me to Jesus. You see growing up I went to all the church camps, all the Wednesday night gatherings, honesty anytime the church doors were open I was there. I knew all the right answers to all the questions heck I even prayed the "infamous" salvation prayer while attending a church camp in the 7th grade. Somewhere along the way though I lost sight of Jesus, problem was my sights were never really on Jesus I went to church cause honestly I had nothing better to do. After high school I went to Barber School, this is whenever Satan snatched me! I became the girl I never had any ambition to become, parties every weekend, disrespecting my parents and their rules, and just going plain nuts. After obtaining my barber license is when I got with my ex-husband. We rushed in fools in love...Silly us we were so young and naive thinking we couldn't live without each other. We got married, four months later I was in Germany living married life. Marriage was not the magical land of bliss I was expecting. My husband was not the man I knew him to be and sure enough, Great turned to good, which turned to alright, which led to rough, which led to bad, which led to disastrous...This is where I found God. I will never forget the day, him and I were in a heated argument throwing around the big DIVORCE word. He looked at me straight faced and asked "Where is your God now?" at that moment I ran into our room and sat on our bed and cried... I screamed out to him where was he? Why was this happening? And I begged him to come save me, that day he did. I have never been the same. This is my salvation story. The love story of how Jesus wrapped his arms around me in love and hasn't let go since then.

*As for a follow up on my no men in 2010 I feel as though it was a success, I wasn't perfect but for the most part I was alone and a.o.k. I still am. My heart still belongs to Jesus and he is still my #1 lover.

I decided to start blogging today.

Everyone has a hobby, something they love and enjoy. I love reading, scrapbooking, and keeping myself busy with my friends. It seems as though my thoughts are flowing 24/7 and I'm just not sure how to handle all of these crazy thoughts and feelings. I am 21 and feel as though I am 31. I am currently going through a divorce and its consumes my thoughts. Its the majority of what I think about on a daily basis. I guess the part that doesn't make sense is that I am the one divorcing him. Its not vice versa but you see he asked me for a divorce two times prior to me actually saying okay lets do this. I loved him and truly wanted it to work but well whenever push came to shove I had to get out for myself. For my future. For my mental sanity. So this is how I am going to cope. This is how I am going to let go of it. I am going to blog. I am going to write whatever I feel like writing and not worry about friends and famiy judging me for my thoughts and opinions. I have decided to not date for a year. Yes a year. and yes I am 21....which is pretty insane, you see whenever I turned 16 I got my first real boyfriend. Ever since then I have been a serial monogomous...the girl who goes from one serious relationship to the next ever since 16. Even up until my marriage. So this no men in 2010 thing is super new and kinda scary. So far its been 5 months and I feel like I'm doing awesome....but then there are those times the times when I want nothing more than to have someone consistanly next to me to enjoy life together. Here is my deal though I love Jesus. Since the divorce I have been making a high standard list of things I want in a man. Even my friends think I have set my standards too high, but really is it to much to ask to have a God-fearing man whom would love nothing more than to go to Church with me every Sunday. Someone who wants a courtship vs. a dating spell. I want someone to forever pursue me. Bring me flowers just because. Travel the world and go on adventures with. Is that really too much to ask for? I guess it is in 2010.... I guess I'm just an old fashioned girl stuck in modern society. Ahhhh see I feel so much better just getting this post out. I look forward to blogging more.