"Here's to You"

Today is June 28th. Today is a monumental moment in my small existence in this world. It has been a year my friends. A year since I finally ended it all with a signature on the dotted line and an oath in front of the judge. Funny its only been a year. So much has changed. You see I'm still in the middle of finding myself. My life is the most beautiful disaster I could ever hope for or imagine! You...well you. Where do I start? You are remarried? She is 12 years older? She is the complete opposite of me. Yeah. Very interesting. I am no way shape or form dogging you about any of these solid facts I just find them well quite honestly HIGHLY ENTERTAINING! I wish ya well sir. I must say though the track record isn't looking too good. It seems as though you can't be alone. How sad. You see to fight loneliness is human nature, I understand this. The beauty in being alone though is you learn yourself. You figure out what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what makes you mad, all of these things are crucial to understanding ones' self before bringing a significant other into the picture. As I have primarily been alone for the past year and a half I feel as though I am half-way there to the point of self-actualization. Maybe someday soon in the near future I will be there. If not well lets face it I have at least 5-7 years of schooling to get through before I can honestly focus solely on pursing a relationship with someone. So I'm learning to not worry about it right now. This is my beautiful season of singleness I've been blessed with. Everyday is a gift and well today is the day I praise the Lord that he sent my life into a downward spiral a year ago only to lift me from the ashes!

Yes I will take a martini neat please...

Here recently I have become simply fascinated with the 1930s era not only people, fashion, and overall greatness but specifically the music. Here in Oklahoma City we have a radio station called 105.3 The Martini and I find myself listening to it more and more each passing week. I listen to the lyrics of most these songs they sing of falling in love, innocent strolls in the park, holding hands and such. I can't help but wonder how did the world ever get this way? Don't get me wrong I'm so glad we have the modern technology we have, but where did the simplicity of love and innocence go? We went from Sinatra to Snoop Dogg...tell me what happened? I fall in love with each song singing of such sweet, slow, love. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic in love with the idea of being in love. Wishing life was in black and white like the old photos and movies. I honestly haven't a clue where I was going with this post other than thinking out loud and wishing at the moment I would have lived some portion of my life back in the 1930s. Maybe I can pretend that I do one evening and host a 1930s party in the 1930s pad (haha historical neighborhood joke). I could have rocked some pearls and heels, cleaned some house, and cooked some great food. Just sayin ;)

"One of the guys"

Whenever I was in high school I had so many guy friends. I was proud to be "one of the guys" you know the girl that hung out with all the dudes but never got hit on. Anyways here I am 22 years of age in the same place. I am once again "one of the guys." The problem is I don't want to be "one of the guys" anymore. I have tried so hard to shake this image. I do my hair and make up daily. I wear heels. I wear dresses. Yet somehow I manage to only have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. All this being said its hard for me to understand how I have fallen into this strange gap of being "one of the guys" again. I guess I have just noticed this recently as I have several guy friends whom are all stinkin awesome!!!! I just can't help but wonder....will I always be in the friend zone with ALL men? Please don't get me wrong I am soooooo content right now in my singleness. If I had a boyfriend I probably couldn't handle it... well maybe if it was the right person haha. But well its nice to be complimented sometimes by someone who isn't currently in a relationship or a friend of the same sex.I'm the awkward platonic friend.... That's all I got for the evening.

The Bachlorette Pad

Whenever I was younger I dreamed of moving out at the age of 18. In my dreams I was a single woman with a perfect home. Yes perfect, every room had a theme. I think at that point in my life my bathroom was to be beach themed, my kitchen was to be farm themed, living room all modern black and white everything. Oh and I was also a lawyer in my dreams hahaha. Anyways now that I am 22 I am finally getting the opportunity to have my "dream home". Okay so its not some huge fancy 3 bedroom two bath home. It is a studio. One kitchenette. One bathroom. One space that makes up my bedroom and living room. (but I do have my themes picked even for a tiny house kitchen: coffee bathroom: paris studio: black & white w/red accents) Let me tell you about this little place. I had been praying to God for several months to send me somewhere cheap and safe to live within Oklahoma City (and if you know okc then you know cheap & safe don't really belong in the same sentence together) Then one day it popped up an apartment on craigslist. It was listed in Edgemere which is a historical neighborhood about 10 mins from where I currently work. You see Edgemere has 24/7 armed security patrolling the neighborhood, so seeing this add on craigslist had me in a frenzy as I knew how great of a deal it was! So I tried contacted Herb (my now land lord) several times no answer. Finally I texted him Sunday still no answer. I was getting impatient so I drove over to the house to see it myself then suddenly I got a text it was him wanting to meet to see the apartment in 20 mins! I walked in and fell in love! I knew it was the place for me. My parents came the next day and gave me their blessing. I move in July 2nd! I'm so stoked. God is so good!

*P.S. Fun facts Edgemere is 2 mins from the Paseo Arts District, 4 mins from Midtown, and 9 mins from Bricktown (aka amazing location!)

Why Georgia?

Confession. Every time I feel weary or unsure of my paths I listen to John Mayer's Why Georgia. Though I'm not 25 nor near a quarter life crisis, well I can relate. "So what so I've got a smile on? Its hiding the quiet superstitions in my head. Don't believe me don't believe me when I say I've got it down!" I have such great plans for the near future and I hold my head high as I smile confidently reciting them to all who inquire. But well on the inside I have my doubts. Will I be smart enough to conquer this stirring in my soul to become an R.N.? Will I have the patience and dedication to stay on top of my college classes? Will I still have a passion for it all after I have earned the degree? When should I really move out? What part of the city should I move to (north or south or somewhere in the middle) Will I be able to pay all my bills on my own income? Can I really handle being a 100% adult responsible for only myself? These are my thoughts floating in this head of mine. Although I have all these doubts and questions one thing remains certain.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." -Romans 8:28

Keeping The Faith & Renewing it daily

Enjoy The Video...

Do You Ever Get That Feeling????

Do you ever get that feeling? You know the one...Whenever you know someone is going to play a huge role in your life? I personally haven't had this feeling since well to be quite honest probably the 8th or 9th grade. See whenever you are young its perfectly acceptable to say "that person is going to be in my life forever!" or "I just know they are special". Now that I'm adult I believe I am suppose to suppress these feelings as they are probably just wishful thinking, but with you I just can't. I feel you strongly on my heart, but I also hear God's gentle voice whispering patience and guidance. I had to get this out in writing. God is molding my heart into the woman I am meant to be. You will be a huge part of my life and I know it. So I guess this is just a note to the unnamed person....I feel it. That's all you need to know. :)

Getting Past Your Past.

Right now we are in a series called "Getting Past Your Past" at church. It has re-awakened alot of things I have had buried in my heart. Here recently at work I have been beginning to know/learn about my co-workers. As they are getting to know me I have told them my crazy history in life for such a young woman. As I look back on these things I feel sick. I have feelings of fondness and loathing over my time with him. How is this possible? I guess with all that is going on in my life I look back at my time with him as a moment of independence. I had my own apartment and I felt needed (even if it was just to do laundry, clean house, cook, and go to work) I miss feeling so necessary. I know it sounds nuts. I also fear I will never allow myself to fully feel again for another man the way I felt for him. It will be a year next month since it was officially over. I guess I just feel like a fool for still hurting from it all. I have noticed with serious breakups and divorces it seems as though one moves on so swiftly its insane while the other never fully recovers. A walking joke trying to smile and act as if they are okay while on the inside they have built a brick wall with barbed wire and electrical currents protecting the contents of their small piece of a heart they have left. I forgave him some time ago and he has forgiven me but that being said, why can't I move on? How do I backtrack and pick up the pieces of my heart I have lost along the way to make it full again? I know I'm made whole and complete in Christ. I just wish I wouldn't have gave such a big portion to him...that's what happens though whenever you make someone else the reason you live rather than God himself. I'm just having an off night reminiscing about things I have no control over. I've got to get past my past. I'm working on it so hard!