Fickle Feelings.

Webster's Dictionary defines fickle as marked by lack of steadfastness, constancy, or stability : given to erratic changeableness. If I owned a dictionary I would probably write Megan DuPriest out in the margin. 2011 is winding down, I can't help but break it down a bit and evaluate where I'm currently sitting. I had a romanticized idea of moving out to the city, making more than enough to survive, meeting someone I genuinely cared about, learn how to love again. Yes believe it or not this was my somewhat check list I had in my mind of "to dos." Instead I moved out, realized I can hardly make it from one paycheck to the next, I met a couple of men I cared nothing about, and learned that there isn't too much out there in the "love" department. There was one though I liked him. So I shut it down, the feelings. I tried to remind myself of how numb I was to everyone around including the closest of family and friends. I couldn't deny it though I was reminded there was something beating in my chest. Its over of course and I can't really say who was to blame. I suppose it was me for literally feeding myself lines out loud in order to convince myself I have no heart, no desire for love or marriage, no feelings or concerns about the opposite sex. This is where the fickleness of myself comes into play, I can literally convince myself I am a.o.k. without heartache, romance, and all the other junk associated with that four letter word love. In the core of my very being though is the desire to be loved, by God, family, friends, and hopefully one day a significant other. Confession of the night there is still a girl who is silly enough to believe its still out there....Love. I do still believe.

1 Corinthians 13:8 "Love Never Fails."

Self Worth & Self Beauty

As of lately I have felt quite blah. I had a friend tell me I have so much potential but yet I sell myself short by settling. This got me thinking, why do I settle? The answer is lack of self-worth. I don't seem to see the treasure and beauty within myself. My attitude has become mediocre towards most important things, such as work and school. In doing so my own self-preservation has even taken a back slide. But I will say this regardless of what the scales say I am absolutely beautiful. I have defined myself by the number for far too long and am living by an example from a close friend and saying no to the scales. She herself has lost so much weight though unable to tell you the exact amount because she just doesn't subject herself to the things. I am excited for this new chapter; new way of positive thinking. This is me Megan DuPriest defined by intellect, positivity and curves. Now time for some amazing pictures done by the friend I just spoke of check out her blog, shes beautiful, a breathe taking photographer, and a witty blogger as well! http://abiruth.blogspot.com/

So this is what some call "Living the American dream"

Here recently it has became clear where I am at in life. I am a 22 year old woman working 40+ hours a week at a dead end job due to my lack of education. I have started college 4 years after the stereo-typical person of my graduating class. I am struggling to keep my head above water currently, waiting for my student loan check to arrive so that I can get my oil changed (its past due by 100 miles) and pay off my credit card. Oh and get some new contacts....and fill a cavity or two. I live in an efficiency apartment. Its a bedroom with a kitchenette and a bathroom attached. ALONE. All alone. This being said I look around at my life and think could this seriously be the "American Dream?" Geez I sure hope not, there has got to be more than just getting by and struggling to survive....and being alone. Wow its disheartening more often than not to leave work only to arrive at an empty home, empty bed, empty space. I am left with homework, church activities, and racing thoughts to help manage the void. I know it seems like I'm complaining a lot. Lets be real here though. This is the current state of my heart and head. Seasons of life are inevitable. I just can't help but want to wish this one away. I want my American Dream to be so much more than this. I want to feel content with the things I have and I would really enjoy the company of someone next to me sharing all of it.

Is it a sad realization?

This evening a friend and I were speaking of our current passions, goals, dreams, ya know the normal in depth chat you tend to get into with your closest companions. She confessed to me that her new awakened dream is to eventually get married and have kids. Be a wife and a mom #1 dream. I cringed. I made it clear that I didn't approve. I didn't mean to it just happened. See I'm the type of gal that can't hide anything expression wise so I figured I would be honest. I don't know when the personality shift happened, but I can say it was sometime after December 2010. I once had money held over my head, I vowed I would never let that happen again. Call it a little bitter, senile; whatever IT IS WHAT IT IS. I want to be the main bread winner. I want to make enough for me then some extra! I'm not saying I don't want my "hypothetical future husband" to work. Of course he would contribute to the family's being as well...but I want to make more than him ;P. I want nothing more than to climb the corporate ladder somewhere and make a name for myself. MEG D. I want to be the best. Anyways I guess this realization is a bit bitter-sweet for me. My room mate from Germany always wanted to climb the corporate ladder and was super career oriented. She is now pregnant with her first child and is actually excited (she didn't want a child this soon originally) I used to tell her how envious I was of her balls to the walls, go get em, make that money attitude. Somehow the wires have got crossed and she has adopted my dream of being a mother. I have adopted her dream of a career, not quite a family. Sad realization? It just might be. It is just a season though. With any season it is sure to change with time.

I Like It When People Post Random Facts About Themselves

So here is my random fact blog

1. I floss everyday. I also brush my teeth twice a day following through with mouthwash. One could say I'm a little OCD about the care of my teeth

2. I drink 2 cups of coffee every morning. With 2 spoonfuls of splenda and a precise splash of fat free half and half

3. I own a personalized snuggie. It was a gift for Christmas one year. It was suppose to say "Lil Meg's Snuggie" but instead says "Meg's Lil Snuggie" - Either way, still gansta...thanks you 2 (you know who you are)

4. Several of my friends from high school have called me "the ugly duckling" Yes I was awkward but well I guess I grew out of it? Bahaha

5. I'm terrified of grasshoppers. I can handle the biggest baddest spider but throw a grasshopper or cricket on me and I will scream

6. My favorite artist is Botticelli, I have a calender with his works hanging on my wall at the current moment

7. My favorite sport to watch is basketball. I go crazy for some Thunder games!

8. The car I currently drive is my first car to ever purchase on my own

9. I have no idea what I want to be "when I grow up"

10. You can always find a pitcher full of kool-aid and a gallon of skim milk in my fridge

11. My favorite music artist of all time is John Mayer. He is my lover

12. This is my first time to live alone...completely alone. It is nice, I often wonder what I will do after my year lease is up. Luckily I have 9 months to ponder the question

I figured it was time for an update.

So This is it I survived my first week of being a freshmen. Yes at the striking young age of 22 I have decided to pursue a degree. I declared nursing as my major, but I fear it will be changing at some point. There is not much to say as now my life consists of these 3 primary things.

1. School


2. Church


3. Work


Feeling a bit uninspired in the blogging world. I think its due to over-exhausting myself on English Comp 1. It should be simple, but I'm over analyzing and over thinking. Stereotypical Meg D.

God's Grace is Sufficient. Even for a Sinner Like Me.

I've felt extremely uninspired. I have nothing even remotely interesting to write about other than the usual "oh woah is me." lines I have become so accustomed to proclaiming ...I can't stand whom I have become. Let me just tell you about it. I don't know how it happened but I drifted away. I feel it honestly hit once I moved out. Just recently I have missed God's ever presence in my life. I used to feel him like a best friend side by side throughout the day. Then life happened. Work happened. I changed. I used to pray prayers such as "God please let me be a light in my work environment, they need you." Now I pray something like this "God I'm so sorry I have failed as an example for you. I act exactly like the lost, saying and doing as I please with little remorse. I'm sorry I suck at representing you." I also used to tithe before I moved out. I looked forward to giving back to him and his kingdom. Now I have it fit into my budget, but hold onto it for fear that his promises won't hold true. That he won't provide. I am such a selfish joke right now. My faith lacks faith, how is that even possible? I want so badly to be the boldest Christ Follower around but am constantly falling down and messing up. I know we are all human. I just have a hard time grasping his everlasting grace. It is nothing I can earn yet I still have an internal struggle thinking I can. If I act just a little better maybe he will bless me with a better paycheck, a nice boy who loves him as much as me...I keep trying to earn my way. I know its not the right way. How do I change the thinking pattern though? I must grasp that he loves me even when things are not perfect. Things will never be perfect. There is beauty in the breakdown. That is what this is. This is the breakdown.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10